“Why we’re doing what we said we wouldn’t do” by Cindy

The IVF decision has been made and we are going to do it.  In some ways, it’s a bit of a relief to not be agonizing over the decision part anymore, and in other ways, it’s like we’re diving into the deep end.

From the beginning of our TTC adventure, we said that we wouldn’t go so far as to do IVF. It seemed unnatural to us, and like we would be forcing something that wasn’t meant to be.  We know that many other people think this way, too, and that some of you, as you read this, are judging us for making this decision.

That’s OK. Sure, it hurts to know that some people don’t understand, but logically, I now know how impossible it is for someone who hasn’t been in this situation to understand.  Unless you have taken this journey, and been in this place of loss with the possibility of success within reach, you cannot possibly understand. If that is your case, and you are philosophically opposed to IVF, that’s your prerogative.  Just please don’t tell me about it.  In case of doubt, read this: “How not to say the wrong thing”. Infertility is a medical problem, and talking to people with infertility about their medical problem is like talking to someone who is very ill.  I have seen quotes that the stress of dealing with infertility is as high as a diagnosis of cancer. That seems pretty dramatic to me, but the grieving is so real, and so profound, that I’m not sure I can argue with it. I won’t pretend that I can understand what is like to deal with a cancer diagnosis, and I hope I never have a chance to compare the two.

One of the subjects that often comes up in the infertility support group is the thoughtless things that people say about infertility or IVF.  A woman who has successfully had two children through IVF has heard co-workers who didn’t know say things like, “That’s so unnatural. If it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen.”  Another woman, heard her anaesthesiologist say, as she was having a miscarriage, “what were you thinking – trying to have a baby at your age?” (she was not much older than me).  I talked about my infertility in my career counselling course (online) because it was relevant to the case study we were discussing, and a woman sent me a link to an article about how misfortune can actually be a blessing. I did not thank her for the link.

So, back to our decision, given that the technology is available, I am having a really hard time thinking of not trying it.  John has decided to support me in this because he recognizes that living with the regret of not trying might be worse for me in the long run.  He, for his part, is not optimistic.  This is hard for me, and I have changed my mind on this matter so many times, but it keeps coming back to the fear of one day wondering, “what if”?  At my age, the stats say there is anywhere between a 40-50% chance of success, and that’s a lot higher than anything we’ve tried so far. An added bonus is that the process of IVF might actually help us reach a diagnosis, and that might allow me to have some closure in the process.

The doctor explained that in cases of unexplained infertility, there are several possible problems:

1- the eggs are not getting picked up by the tubes properly – IVF bypasses this problem

2- the muscles in the tubes are not moving the egg along properly – IVF bypasses this problem

3- the sperm, for whatever reason, are unable to get into the egg – IVF with ICSI can bypass this problem

4 – the eggs are crap – no solution for this

The doctor said that at my age, there is probably a 5-10% chance that my eggs are not good, so given that three of the four possible problems can be solved with IVF, it seems worth a try.

Yes, it is going to be a difficult process. Yes, I am worried about pumping my body full of hormones. Yes, I am worried about dealing with failure, should that be the case.  The bottom line is, I want to know.  I want to know if it would work.  I don’t want to spend my life wondering, and I know that if we don’t try it, I will still spend the next four years hoping for a miracle every month.  If we try IVF and it doesn’t work, then I think I can stop hoping and move on.  Of course,  a year from now, I am very likely to have a different perspective, but for now, that’s where my thinking is.

The other question that infertile couples are frequently asked is, “have you considered adoption?” I’m never sure of the intention behind this question.  Is it a way of expressing judgment against our desire to give birth to a child? For the record, the answer to this is always “yes”.  For some couples, adoption does not fit their story and is not an option, but I guarantee they will have talked about it and considered it. For others, like us, adoption is a wonderful idea.  The idea of providing a loving home to a child in need is wonderful.

The reality of adoption is a bit more complicated.  We’ve already talked a bit about private adoption and the competition between prospective parents, and how competing to buy a baby is somewhat distasteful.  Well, what about all the children in care?  What about a government adoption? Read this: “Alberta’s Waiting Children” and tell me how you would make this decision.  Here are a few highlights for you:

• At any given time in Alberta, approximately 70 percent of children waiting for adoption are “older”, most of these being between seven and 12-years-of-age.
• Below are the preliminary special needs criteria applicants must be willing to accept.
  Acceptance of a minimum of two of the following special needs:
  • Developmental delays
  • Behavioural/emotional issues
  • Learning disability/special education
  Plus one of the following special needs:
  • A child seven years of age or over
  • A sibling group of three or more children
  • A serious diagnosed medical condition
  • A permanent disability
  • A psychiatric diagnosis
  • Fetal drug effect
  • Hepatitis C
  • HIV risk or HIV positive
  • Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder
  OR one of the following family background traits:
  • Abuse of alcohol during pregnancy
  • Abuse of drugs during pregnancy
  • A psychiatric diagnosis in birth parents
  • Global developmental delays in birth parents

So, to begin with, as you were probably already aware, there are not many babies available. As this site points out: www.canadaadopts.com, while the pool of adoptive parents has increased, the pool of available babies has shrunk. I love babies. I love seeing John with babies. I also believe that the bond formed between parents and children at the earliest stages is extremely formative. The thought of missing out on this stage of a child’s life breaks my heart.  Having said that, I am completely willing to adopt an older child.  I look at their pictures in the gallery (there is a gallery – you can window shop kids – I am somewhat disturbed by that, even as I understand the need), and I want to give them all a loving home.  All of them.  So how do I decide which?

Now, take a look at that second bullet point.  Which special needs would you choose? How on earth do you make that decision?  There is a difference between giving birth to and loving your own special needs child and choosing to adopt a child with known special needs.  Sure, on the one side, you go in with more information.  On the other side, you are making a choice. Which special needs are you OK with choosing?

If you think that you would be OK with these options, then I really encourage you to consider adopting now.  There are children that would benefit from being placed in families with other children, and there are many that would benefit from being significantly younger than their adoptive siblings.  Adoption is not only for infertile couples like us – anyone willing to open their hearts to children in need should consider bringing a waiting child into their family. That could be you.

If your reaction to that was, “Sure, I would, but…”, then maybe you are starting to understand. Part of me is saying that to get you to really think about how difficult a decision this really is, and part of me is really hoping that you will take me up on this challenge because there really are a lot of children who need loving homes.  Really think about it. Why is it that that question, “Have you considered adoption?” is only asked of infertile couples?

All of this to say that the decision to do IVF does not mean that we have decided not to adopt.  It just means that I am not ready to give up on that dream of giving birth to and raising a child. I need to know more, and the only way to find out more is to do IVF, so that’s what I’m doing.  So there. Cross your fingers for us – we’ll take all the positive energy we can get.