Posts Tagged ‘accupuncture’

“TTC” by Cindy

The acronym TTC has taken on a whole new meaning since we moved from Toronto.  As much as I miss the logical and relatively reliable transit system of the big smoke, when I type TTC into Google, it no longer suggests Toronto Transit Commission.

No, now it directs me to sites filled with many strange acronyms that I had to look up the first time my search led me to a forum… 2WW, BMD, AF, BFN… a whole new world of WTF.

When John and I first started TTC (trying to conceive) two years ago, I actually told him that I would endeavour to not become a ‘crazy’ person.  I don’t know what I was thinking.  Of course, I’ve become a crazy person.  My Google search history would shock some and disgust many.  Thank goodness I have found answers to many of my strange questions, which means that I am not the only one wondering these things.  For the questions my fingers have been too shy to type (you can just imagine…), I ask Dr. J, and she is kind enough to assure me that I haven’t completely lost all sense – that other women wonder these things, too.

My strange questions are only part of my craziness, though.  The other part comes with me trying to analyze every physical feeling I have during the 2WW (the 2 week wait) to see if I can ‘sense’ anything.  I sometimes have to remind myself that clenching my abdomen will not keep a possibly fertilized egg inside and help it implant into my uterus.

Oh yes, it’s like that.

I have cried upon the arrival of AF (Aunt Flo), and peed on sticks even when the possibility seemed very remote, and tried to hide my tears at the sight of that damn BFN (big fat negative) that wouldn’t turn into the coveted BFP (big fat positive).

The only part that hasn’t been super crazy-making has been the BMS (baby-making sex).  As unromantic as sex on a schedule can be, especially when we just may not be exactly in the mood – we get ‘er done.  Man, if sex wasn’t part of the whole baby-making process, I’m sure a lot more couples trying for kids would break up.

Maybe not all couples can laugh at the ridiculous things I’m willing to try – because no one can look good bicycling their legs in the air while naked, and not everyone can get away with chanting things like “go spermies go”, but we figure we might as well enjoy the ride (and no, I’m not mature enough to not smirk at the double entendre there).

We did the basic fertility testing even though we agreed from the beginning, and still agree, that we are not interested in spending thousands of dollars on an IVF procedure that may not work.  Currently, I am on round two of a Clomid protocol that involves me taking a pill on days 3-7 that will increase our chances of conceiving naturally.  The fertility doctor said it is like rolling two or three dice instead of just one each month, which sounded pretty good to us.  We can only do it for three months in a row, and then we have to take a break, so here’s hoping this is that fateful roll.  The first month was pretty brutal – I ended up with some of the worst cramping I’ve ever had, but this month, my chiropractic appointments have been scheduled to coincide with the pills, and I’ve started accupuncture and had a massage (clearly, I believe in using ALL my benefits).  I think these three things have really helped (or at least one of them has, and I don’t care which), and so far, I feel pretty good.  Of course, we’re in the 2WW, which on Clomid actually becomes a 3WW, so good means I don’t know what.

I have wavered, especially over the past year, over how much of my craziness to share with John.  I didn’t want to freak him out, but at the same time, I wanted to include him in as much of the process as possible.  So, now I tell him of every little hopeful (and sometimes disgusting) sign, and we hope together, even though we both fear hoping too much.  One of the things I teach is that living to avoid pain instead of to experience joy is unhealthy and unproductive.  I’ve decided (even though I war inside on this from time to time) to enjoy the hope and deal with the disappointment if it comes.  If this means crying when AF turns up instead of pretending that everything is OK and I knew it probably wasn’t happening this time anyway, then hand me a tissue.  OK – maybe a whole box.

I’m really not trying to sugar coat this.  This journey is tough.  And please, do not tell me The Story.  You know, the one about your cousin, or aunt, or best friend who tried to conceive for years and then finally gave up and got pregnant.  I’ve heard that story, and while I understand that it is coming from a place of caring and trying to give hope, it doesn’t help.  What am I supposed to do with that?  Stop trying?  Really?  Could you? I bet for every one of those stories, there are hundreds of stories of people who tried really hard and got their BFPs without giving up first.  And then I wonder, does this story imply that I am doing something wrong by trying, and therefore it is my fault that we haven’t been successful, yet? I just don’t know what to do with it other than smile and nod.

Sometimes, people we’ve just met innocently ask us if we’re planning to have children.  I don’t mind this question, although I often wonder if these people expect an honest answer like, “Yes, we’ve been trying for two years.”  Not everyone seems comfortable with that, but ‘luckily’, everyone has an example of The Story to pull out that I can smile and nod to before changing the subject.

Do I feel a pang of jealousy upon hearing of other people’s success in the conception department?  Absolutely.  This does not, however, diminish my happiness for them (unless they’ve already got four kids, in which case I start to seriously question their sanity and the fairness of the universe).

So, to answer the next question, yes, if it doesn’t happen for us, we will try to adopt.  If it does happen for us, we may still try to adopt.  There are so many kids who need good homes.  We looked into becoming foster parents this year, and although we probably wouldn’t pass the application at this stage due to our recent life changes and need to show more stability, we learned a lot and believe that we will be able to provide some kids with some needed love and safety at some point in the future.

In the meantime, we hope, we love, we share and overshare, and we keep trying for that BFP that will lead to the post excitedly proclaiming PG!

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