Posts Tagged ‘escape’

“Getting through to Escape” by Cindy

At the risk of being a bit of a downer, this has been a tough week. [understatement]

I pretty quickly decided that what I needed most was to get far away and soak up some sun (and maybe some rum), so I became quickly addicted to searching for last minute deals to get away as soon as possible.  John came on board, and we decided to do it.  Unfortunately, because our schedule was not really flexible, we weren’t able to get a great deal, but I’m happy with what we’ve picked and I can’t wait to get a tan and smell the ocean. Cuba, here we come.

My boss was amazing.  She immediately gave her condolences and told me to take all the time I need.  She also told me to call it bereavement, which it is.  I appreciated her understanding that so much.  I know how lucky I am.

John’s work is not so great.  They actually denied his request for leave because he is not entitled to any vacation during his first year with the company.  I am absolutely flabbergasted at the insensitivity, and I would really like him to not have to work there anymore.  It would be slightly better if the company wasn’t currently overstaffed, but they don’t actually have enough work for the people coming in, so it wouldn’t hurt them at all to let him take a week.  I just can’t believe it, and the stress this has put us through almost put me over the edge today.

I’ve been holding it together pretty well, but the only thing getting us both through this week was the idea that we would be far away next week and able to just be together without thinking (perhaps that’s not entirely possible given that it is us, but I really believe the sun and surf will be healing).  I found out that cancellation was possible, but the thought of not going was too much.  I feel guilty for pushing for this, but I know that we will be OK if John doesn’t have a job after.  This isn’t a long-term career job anyway, just a starter. I know that the thought of coming back to no job will add stress to John and impair his ability to truly relax, but I just can’t imagine staying in this house all next week.

There is a room upstairs that we call the office that was always intended to be a nursery.

In case you weren’t sure if the universe has a sense of humour, the first woman to come into the centre on Monday brought a baby in a carseat.  Then, a daycare group with about 10 toddlers dropped by and asked for some photocopies – that has never happened before.  The kids sang songs while I made their copies.  Then, on Tuesday, one of my regular clients came in and told me all excitedly about her new grandchild and showed me pictures.  She told me not to worry, I would be a grandma soon enough.  I realized that this is something that will happen for the rest of my life.  People will make innocent comments because they won’t know, and I don’t know that I will ever be OK with this.  It wasn’t my choice.

This article came into my inbox today (because I am a member of the infertility awareness association on facebook): Infertility Dilemma – Are You Giving Up Too Soon?  It describes the difficulty of the decision pretty succinctly, and the comment in response to the article describes how I feel right now.  The gambling aspect of doing treatments is so painful, and this IVF cycle was just a mountain on top of so many molehills.  I haven’t had one failed cycle – I’ve had over 36.  I can’t imagine looking at another negative test again.

So, I will do what has worked for me in the past and run away for a little while – only this time I get to do it with the person I love most.  I know I will be OK.  This is not the worst thing that could happen to us.  John and I will be OK.  We will have other dreams, and we will continue to be grateful for all the wonderful things in our lives.  One day at a time.

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